San Francisco is My Home

25
Nov

Good Vibes and court TV

Author: kris, Category: Shopping

I just went into one of my local corner stores to grab a few things. While I waited in line to buy my eggs and whathaveyou, I was treated to a few minutes of one of the most horrific shows I’ve ever seen, playing on the store’s TV. (And, okay, I haven’t watched much TV since The Cosby Show went off the air, but still.) It featured gritty videotapes of real-life court scenes where people were physically attacking each other, while a gleeful narrator described — in detail — the horrible crimes (often involving children) that the trials were dealing with.

While I waited, trying and failing not to hear the show, I was mentally comparing this shopping experience to the experiences I’ve had at local sex shop Good Vibrations. (I’m not sure why I was thinking of this, but let’s just run with it.)

I was hesitant to enter Good Vibes, even for research purposes, because I figured it would be graphic and kind of slimy-feeling and generally miserable. Instead, I found a clean, well-lit place for sex toys in every shade of pink and purple, many with Hello Kitty themes. Unlike the convenience store, where I gradually sunk into my shoes from the misery of what I was hearing, Good Vibes is full of, well, good vibes, with a friendly staff who looks you in the eye and a clientele who never seem to be hiding something under their overcoats.

Oh! I remember why I was thinking of this. It’s because at my corner store, the ice cream is put way in the back corner, like the porn is in some video stores (I’ve heard). I thought it was funny that I feel a little guilty and furtive buying a pint of Ben & Jerry’s but never feel that way in the actual sex store.

And maybe this is one of those famously deplorable “San Francisco values” we hear so much about, or maybe this is just my value. Maybe I’m wrong about all this, and the sex shop is the perversion while reality TV is good healthy entertainment. Living in this city, it’s honestly hard to understand “normal” sometimes, or even identify it when I see it.

I guess I will go skulk in the corner with my ice cream now.

22
Nov

Alternatives to Black Friday

Author: kris, Category: Nature

I know many people get fired up for the post-Thanksgiving bargains to be found everywhere on the ridiculously-named Black Friday (it sounds like a 17th century massacre in Ireland to me). But for those few of us who cannot stomach a store full of fellow consumers at 6:00 a.m., I offer this advice: go outside.

Yes, it’s November, but we all know that means nothing in the Bay Area. Wrap up a little and head over to the kid’s train at Tilden Park, or the beaches anywhere (many have re-opened after the spill, although today’s high tides may increase oil globs found on the sand so watch what your dog eats out there), or any of your local parks. Go see the Buffalo enclosure at Golden Gate Park, wander through the enormous trash-turned-art at the Albany Knob, or hike up the hill at Buena Vista and enjoy the view. You might miss some sales, but the real bargain is getting to be outdoors on a beautiful day in a place that’s almost deserted because everyone is off buying half-priced sheets and teapots.

I myself will be at the beach with my family, so…if you do go shopping and you see a half-priced teapot, seriously, pick one up for me, will you? Mine broke.

21
Nov

Sushi Zone

Author: kris, Category: Food

I’m going to talk about Sushi Zone for a moment. Understand, I’m doing this with great reluctance, and I’m going to need you all to promise never to actually go there.

You see, Sushi Zone, which lives in what is essentially a cubby-hole at 1815 Market, is always crowded.  And I mean crowded. When they open for dinner at 5:00, you need to have been in line for half an hour if you want to be seated. There are two or three tables and several counter stools and, folks, that’s it. Fools who show up at a reasonable hour for dinner can expect to wait two hours for a table. And they do it, too. I’ve done it myself more than once.

Why such a wait? The answer is obvious, right? Topless waitresses.

Okay, no. Obviously, the food is outstanding. When you go (because I know you will go; nobody ever listens to me when I ask for favors), you’ll want to begin your meal with several orders of the baked mango sea bass. Make sure you get at least one order per person; you will not be sorry, even if you don’t like mango or sea bass. Baked in mussel shells, the mango sea bass is a hot, creamy concoction of goodness, a Fred Astaire song and dance on your tongue. It is, literally, the best thing I’ve ever tasted.

After that, you’ll want to check out the Hawaiian numbers 1 and 2, and, well, anything else on the menu. After the mango sea bass it won’t matter so much what you get or don’t get, because you’ll be floating around in a glowing golden bubble of delight. But everything there is excellent, so you’ll be fine.

The best part is that you can order way too much food and still come away with a reasonable bill, especially for a sushi restaurant. Just make sure you wear pants with an elastic waistband.

Some people, of course, think that Sushi Zone is not all that. Those people are, as William Goldman once put it, “enemies of art and I pity their ignorance.” In other words, more for me.

20
Nov

The other side of Thanksgiving

Author: kris, Category: Events, Landmarks

In 1969, thousands of Native Americans occupied Alcatraz to demand fair treatment for Native Americans from the government. Bigger than your average hippie sit-in, the 18-month long protest drew national attention to the plight of Native Americans for the first time in the 20th century, some experts say.

Though the occupation ended, the International Indian Treaty Council still returns to Alcatraz every year at sunrise on Thanksgiving, “to celebrate [their] resistance and give thanks for [their] survival.” The event features speakers and dancers from several different tribes.

Everyone is welcome to attend the celebration, though the last boat departs for the former prison at 6:00 a.m. (Boats start moving at 4:00 a.m.) Tickets are $12 per person, though kids 5 and under are free, and the event is wheelchair accessible.

This can be a good way to introduce your kids to the other side of the Thanksgiving story, as well as a small moment of zen for you before the crazy cooking and football and visits from your deaf great-aunt begin.

16
Nov

We Be at The Hemlock

Author: kris, Category: Events, Music, News

We Be The Echo, the band I wrote about that other time, are playing The Hemlock Tavern tonight, so if you’re curious about these geniuses of math rock, head on over. The show is 21+, $6 at the door, and starts at 9:30. Should be, as always, a cracking good time.

16
Nov

Aww!

Author: kris, Category: News, Shopping

Every year, our awesome SPCA branch does a promotional holiday window display at Macy’s. It earns a ton of money for the SPCA, helps find homes for shelter animals, and is just ridiculously cute.

I just got home from the unveiling ceremony of this year’s windows, starring former 49ers quarterback Steve Young. I remember my dad having a sweet sports crush on Steve Young after his favorite football hero, Joe Montana, left the 49ers, so I have fond feelings for the man. The fact that he donated his time to come pull back a curtain for the SF/SPCA also speaks highly for him.

You can watch the little window scamps playing around on webcam shots that are updated every three seconds, or just head on over to Macy’s and do your oohing and awwing in person. Added bonus: there’s a big one-day sale going on at Macy’s today.

14
Nov

Tartine

Author: kris, Category: Food

I had a minor professional setback this morning and spent a couple of hours scrambling around in fix-it mode. By the time I left the house to meet a friend at Tartine, I was walking under a little cloud of self-absorbed gloom, which the brilliant blue November sky, the flowers bursting out everywhere and the balmy weather did nothing to dispel.

Then I got to Tartine, and remembered why I love being a freelance writer so much. It’s because weekdays are the only time you can possibly get a seat at this toothsome little bakery, which is always full of people and often has a line reaching out the door.

Today I got there before my friend and ordered coffee for me, a cappuccino for her, a pain au chocolat and a slice of almond lemon pound cake, fortunately scoring two seats at a communal table by the door. I draped my sweater over one seat and put the drink and pastry in front of it, then sat down in the other. After about ten minutes I realized that I looked like a little girl giving a tea party to my imaginary friend.

My imaginary Harvey and I sat watching the room, which, being shy, I don’t often do. But there’s something about Tartine that relaxes me. Probably it’s the steamy bakery smell that wanders around crawling up people’s noses, and is so sweet that you don’t even mind how many other noses it was in before it got to yours.

And speaking of sweet…not everyone understands the art of making pain au choclat (or chocolate croissants, if you are not all pretentious like I am), but Tartine understands. The croissant is huge and flat and flaky, and filled all the way through — not just in one tiny strip — with gooey, perfect chocolate. And Tartine is the kind of place where you can turn to your neighbor and ask if you’ve got chocolate on your face, even if he’s eyeing your imaginary friend and, increasingly, you, with a raised eyebrow and a kind of worried expression, wondering whether you’re so crazy he’ll have to change seats.

This is not a place where you can kick back for a couple of hours and advance your novel or read the paper, but if you want to sit for 40 minutes or so — and you come during the day on a weekday — it’s perfect. On a weekend, come for the food, by all means, and since you won’t get a seat, take your bakery bag and your coffee one block to Dolores Park, where you can watch the golden retrievers bounding around and cheerfully get chocolate all over your face.

13
Nov

Smooth Sailing at The Attic

Author: kris, Category: Events, Music

Maybe you don’t have a boat, but you can still go sailing.

Or, to put it another way, maybe you don’t have any smooth rock records, but you can still attend Sailing, a celebration of rock so smooth it could have been recorded by Christopher Cross. Wait, it was. So don your thick-rimmed glasses, slap on your stick-on soul patch, stuff a hoodie in your bag and head on down to The Attic any Tuesday from 9 to midnight.

13
Nov

More on the oil spill

Author: kris, Category: Nature, News

One of the Chron website’s top headlines this morning reads “Cargo vessel may have strayed from its course before striking bridge and gashing its side, records show.”

May have strayed from its course?

I was worried it was too soon, but I guess if the Chronicle can be funny about the oil spill then I can too. And so I present to you five possible ways to make lemonade from the newly-oiled San Francisco Bay:

1. Declare it a swimmin’ hole for the Tin Man.

2.  Turn ferry building into refinery, Coit Tower into giant gas station. Rake in profits.

3. Use natural disaster as an excuse to admonish other political leaders in an attempt to appear helpful and concerned, fooling no one.

4.  Three words: dead bird soup!

5. Do nothing. Oil is the new water.

12
Nov

Oil spill in the Bay

Author: kris, Category: Nature, News

On Wednesday, an oil tanker ran into the Bay Bridge and sprang a leak, releasing an estimated 58,000 gallons of oil into the Bay. (The Coast Guard initially, bafflingly, estimated this as 140 gallons.)

This disaster reads like something Aaron Sorkin might write. The Mayor is out of town, so we’re under the control of an acting mayor. The city’s offer of personnel to help with cleanup was essentially ignored by the (apparently criminally incompetent) Coast Guard. Birds are dying off left and right, the oil is becoming thinner on the water and harder to scoop, and because of its hazardous nature the scores of volunteers showing up are not permitted to help. All we need is a screwball comedy premise involving Sam Seaborn and a call girl and we’ve got ourselves a fine episode of The West Wing.

Here’s an image of the oil spill, courtesy of Kurt Rogers from the SF Chronicle: