San Francisco is My Home

25
Sep

72 Hours

Author: kris, Category: News

You’re sitting alone in your apartment on Tuesday. Maybe you’re peacefully watching an old episode of Buffy, or playing Yoshi’s Island on SNES, because you are a professional writer and this is how you spend your days.

Suddenly, a piercing shriek shatters the stillness. And it goes on for fifteen screaming, ear-clapping seconds.

Yes, along with clown school, drag queen nuns, fanciful Victorian architecture and a pack of urban coyotes, San Francisco now has its very own outdoor warning system. Every Tuesday at exactly noon, you’ll hear the wailing din broadcast over speakers positioned around the city, drowning out the honking traffic and the chiming trolley bells.

It’s all part of our new emergency services package called 72 Hours. Here’s a quote from their website:

“Imagine that you have no electricity, no gas, no water and no telephone service. Imagine that all the businesses are closed and you are without any kind of emergency services. What will you do until help arrives?”

Apparently, you will listen to the sweet siren song of, well, sirens.

But seriously folks. Much as I hate the noise — which takes me by surprise every single week, something that probably says more about me than it does about the sirens — there’s nothing wrong with preparing for disasters, and 72 Hours offers a number of helpful suggestions for how to cope. Check it out now, before the earthquake hits and your internet crashes. And hope like hell that disaster doesn’t strike on a Tuesday at noon, or however will we know?

25
Sep

Loud, proud and cow’d

Author: kris, Category: Groups, News

Okay, let’s get to the bottom of this, no pun intended. What is this leather pride flag all about?

Above, you see an image of the flag, courtesy of Wikipedia. The creator of the flag, Tony DeBlase, has been quoted as saying “I will leave it to the viewer to interpret the colors and symbols.” However, some leather-proud folks like to refer to it as “Black and Blue with Love,” perhaps because it is sometimes associated with BDSM.

That interpretation takes care of the black and blue stripes and the heart, but what does the central white stripe stand for? Maybe that stripe was left blank to symbolize the blank expression we uninformed folk make when presented with the flag. Maybe it is white to symbolize the purity of this community’s devotion to just one kind of material: they are not naugahyde-proud, nor vinyl-proud, nor spandex-proud. Or maybe DeBlase just couldn’t think what other color to add. We may never know.

24
Sep

Fair and a little unbalanced

Author: kris, Category: Events, News

In keeping with this week’s celebration of all things cowskin, the Folsom Street Fair is happening this Saturday and is not a sight to be missed. There you will find something to cater to every fetish, and you’ll find most fetishes being catered to on the street while you watch. Don’t miss this unique San Francisco salute to debauchery.

21
Sep

Front-of-house Usher

Author: kris, Category: News

An acclaimed production of Sweeney Todd is playing at the A.C.T. through the middle of October. If, like me, you would love to see this but can’t bear to shell out $35 for the cheap seats, you might try being a volunteer usher. I’ve done it before and it’s a great way to see a show for free.

Once you’ve been assigned a date, you show up wearing modest all-black clothes, get posted at a door with a stack of programs to hand out, and then spend the show either standing in the back or sitting in an empty seat if there are any. There are some stools in the back as well, and a spot to sit on the floor, where you can hear but not see. At intermission, you’ll be stationed somewhere to answer questions, or maybe by the door to backstage to stop people going through it. If you get stationed there, do not, as I did, try to stop the director from going through, especially not if he’s in a big hurry. You might also be asked to collect programs from the seats after the show, although I wasn’t.

To volunteer, you can call 415.439.2349. More info here.

18
Sep

And now, your moment of men…

Author: kris, Category: News, People, Seen

Assemblyman Mark Leno held a press conference at the LGBT Center, urging the Governor to sign a bill that would validate gay marriage. There was a Franciscan friar standing up near the front (they’re the ones in the brown robes, right?) taking pictures.

I left when people were starting to prepare for the march down Market Street, and overtook the friar, who had left before me. He was standing on Market in his robe and a baseball cap, chatting amiably with a homeless man.

“Chinese girls get me hot,” the homeless guy was saying, sounding confessional and a little worried. “But white girls are great, too.” It was obvious from his voice that he was on the horns of a real dilemma.

“Well, good luck with that,” the friar said cheerfully, straightened his cap and walked on into the falling dark.

17
Sep

Why don’t you get a FasTrak?

Author: kris, Category: News

Why don’t you get a FasTrak? For the low, low price of $0, you can get a chunky square of plastic that adheres to the inside of your windshield. Whenever you pass through a Bay Area tollbooth, the magic toll-taking robot reads your FasTrak and the toll payment is automatically deducted from your account. You barely have to slow down. So why? Why don’t you? Why don’t you get a FasTrak?

Why don’t you get a FasTrak? Imagine if everyone traveling across the Bay Bridge at rush hour had one. No more holdups while toll takers write down the license plate numbers of people who’ve forgotten to bring money. No more infuriating reminder that the toll is up to $4 now. Why don’t you get a FasTrak? Why don’t we all?

10
Sep

The Pit of Despair: Embarcadero Center

Author: kris, Category: News

I got lost in the Embarcadero Center downtown today, not for the first time. I think it might have been designed as an obscure test. Not a multiple choice test, though. More like an essay test, or one with a lot of word problems.

Some say the Marina Safeway is the best pickup joint in town. I contend that it’s actually the Embarcadero Center. Wandering around lost, trying and failing to understand the incomprehensible signs and maps printed in cheery colors on posts around the complex, you encounter other lost souls with whom you strike up conversations. Eventually your paths lead in the same direction as you search in vain for exits, your attorney’s office, or the cinema you know is around here somewhere. The despair and frustration you experience feel a lot like the symptoms of a crush. It’s possible to meet, fall in love, get married and baptize your first child within the confines of the Embarcadero Center, except for those last two things. So next time you’re in need of a date, wander down there and get lost for an hour. But do yourself a favor: bring bread crumbs. Lots of bread crumbs.

08
Sep

Freaks, geeks and Burning Man weeks

Author: kris, Category: News

I was waiting for the subway yesterday in the approved San Francisco manner –  nose buried in a book, making no eye contact, pretending I was alone in my living room — when out of the corner of my eye I caught a flash of day-glo colors. I knew it was forbidden but I had to glance over at the guy next to me, who was sporting waist-length braids wrapped in neon orange, green and yellow ribbons.

Even seeing this, I had to debate over whether to say anything. The tradition of non-communication on the MUNI system is long-standing, and not without merit: refusal to engage with your other passengers prevents you from being hit on, hit up for money, or just hit. Still…day-glo hair!

“Your head is amazing,” I said, to the (it turned out) totally normal and sane man with the braids.

“Thanks,” he said modestly, adding, “Burning Man.”

‘Nuff said. For the weeks leading up to and following the Burning Man festival, SF is packed with people who — well, the number of freaky circus people remains fairly constant, but they get a lot more dressed up. You start to see more stilts, more outrageous costumes, more day-glo hair. This is one of the things I love most about this city (or THE city, if you live here): our willingness to embrace fashion statements of every kind, the stranger and shinier and just plain freakier, the better.

If you’re in SF this week, keep an eye out for our own brand of beautiful people. You won’t be disappointed.

07
Sep

Downtown Oakland comes alive (sort of)

Author: kris, Category: News

With many stores closed for the evening, the streets of downtown Oakland become almost suburban at night. Walking along with a crowd of friends, you have that same middle-of-nowhere feeling you did as a teenager when you walked or drove around all night for want of something better to do.

Of course, while the offices and lunch places are closed, there are still cool places to eat, drink and play in downtown Oakland after dark, unlike your suburban hometown. You can step into The Fat Lady for an upscale meal in a gorgeous setting. The lady drawn on the logo is, indeed, fat, but curiously all the pictures on the walls are of really skinny women. It’s possible the Fat Lady has some image issues to work through.

After dinner, check out local pool hall Kimball’s Carnival. This is a huge temple of pool, and even has a concert venue in back. Kimball’s may soon be partnering with local radio station KALX to air some of their live shows, so keep an eye out for that in the coming months.

05
Sep

Standup humor as it should be — and is.

Author: kris, Category: News

The Heuristic Squelch claims to be Cal’s only intentionally funny publication, and tonight they’re hosting an intentionally funny standup night at Blake’s in Berkeley. Local favorite comedians Ali Wong, John Hoogasian, Reggie Steele, Chris Garcia and Julian Vance will perform, hosted by my favorite Sean Keane of all Sean Keanes.

Come check out Sean doing silly kid voices, Ali doing angry bus lady voices, and various other comedians doing amusing voices of all kinds. Cover is $8, no drink minimum. Even if you don’t like comedy, the chance to chat up some hippie co-eds should be incentive enough.