San Francisco is My Home

22
Oct

The sheeted dead did squeak and gibber and stab each other

Author: kris, Category: News

I don’t know what your Halloween plans are, but if you were thinking about coming to the Castro, don’t bother. The party is canceled.

The Castro Halloween celebration has been going on for many years. It began as a spontaneous street party, as the fantastically costumed residents emerged in their feathers and facepaint to rock out through the holiday that is sometimes called the gay Christmas.  Gradually, the party began to attract outsiders. And then, inevitably, tourists. Now about half the people you see aren’t wearing a costume at all — the ultimate social gaffe in a neighborhood that takes costumes seriously all year long, and especially on this most holy of days — and the crowds are overwhelming. In the last few years we’ve had some exciting violence, everything from people being trampled to stabbed to shot, and often the crowds are packed so tightly that it’s impossible for people to get out or ambulances and medical personnel and cops to get in. Nine people were injured in last year’s shooting.

Fun as this touristy, violent party must sound, this year it has been officially canceled. Many stores in the area are displaying signs indicating that they’ll be closed on the night (though some who can’t afford to turn away the business will be staying open) and the Castro Theater is sporting a huge banner reminding people that the party is off. The whole neighborhood has the tense, hunkered-down air of a French coastal village where Viking ships have been sighted on the horizon.

So how do you convince several thousand people, many of whom don’t even live in the city, that there’s nothing doing this year? The answer is obvious, right? Get rid of the toilets. Unlike all previous years, no portable toilets will be put on the streets for revelers. Yes, that will show them.

Oh no, sorry. I mean us. That will show us. When the people still show up, then wind up peeing all over my and my neighbors’ flowerbeds, we are the ones who will be shown. Although the city is planning to spring for extra cops, so at least after the revelers water our lawns they will be arrested. Yes, that makes us feel better.

So what have we learned from this?

1.  Don’t come to Halloween in the Castro this year.

2. If you do come, don’t wear a costume — that’s so last season.

3.  If you must wear a costume, do not, whatever you do, dress up as a port-a-potty.